High Noon, Higher Self: Ascending with a Solar-Powered Soul

The sun screams through the blinds, a fiery acid trip straight to my eyeballs. The world tilts; suddenly, I’m not just awake, I’m AWAKE. Sunlight is my new drug of choice, and I’m tripping balls. Screw the alarm; I’m riding this solar high till the wheels fall off.

Breakfast? A joke.

Coffee? A trinket for mortals.

I’m mainlining daylight like a bat out of Hell.

Statistics say Americans consume 400 million cups of coffee daily, but today, I’m not a statistic. I’m high on the sunlight’s promise of boosted serotonin. Dr. Andrew Huberman told me natural light can enhance mood and alertness, and buddy, I’m living proof.

I wander outside, shirtless. Each sunbeam’s a hit, and I’m the cosmic jukebox. Some joker stops me, asks if I write self-help books. “Self-help? I’m beyond the self, man. I’m writing the new Bible, and it’s a bestseller on Venus.”

I email my boss, telling him I’ve found a new employer — the Universe. He spews corporate jargon; I laugh and send his emails to SETI. If aliens find them, they’ll confirm we’re the dumbest species in the galaxy.

Out here, I’m not just walking, I’m gliding on solar energy. Some study by the Journal of Environmental Psychology found that 20 minutes…